Santa Claus Conquers The Martians

Christmas films. Pulp science fiction. Cold War paranoia. Although they might sound like fun, it turns out that these genres don't mix terribly well, especially not when thrown together on a very low budget with shaky sets and green make-up that rubs off in the middle of scenes. Widely considered to be one of the worst films ever made, Santa Claus Versus The Martians is bad in a way that doesn't quite achieve hilarity but is, in its strange way, compelling. It would be difficult to make a film this bad if one tried.

Billy (Victor Stiles) and Betty (Donna Conforti) are two wholesome little white American kids who are snatched away by Martians in the run-up to Christmas. the Martians, confused by the number of fake Santas around, need their help to find the real one. Upon visiting the North Pole, they promptly kidnap him too and take all three of their prisoners back to Mars. There, a moral panic is taking place about the effect of Earth television programmes on Martian children. They're becoming distracted from their intensive education and are losing track of proper Martian values. An advisor to the Martian ruler has suggested that what they really need is the chance to play, but the planet has to Santa of its own, so asks ours to build them a toy factory.

Subplots of a sort abound, with some of the Martians seeing Santa himself as a threat to their way of life and attempting to kidnap or kill him because they want their children to grow up respectably joyless. This ought to be easy because Santa, though capable of delivering the occasional speech on morality, really isn't very bright. He spends most of his time wandering around in a muddle, looking like a capable adult only because he's accompanied by the stupidest of the Martians (who is, according to the logic of this film, also the most morally pure). It's therefore up to the Earth children - especially the older Billy - to try and set matters to rights.

There is a lot of wandering around here in an alien environment that looks like it was made in a hurry for a cheap daytime soap. The acting is uniformly dreadful, the attempts to establish comedic rapport excruciating. In the absence of characterisation, what we get is a series of awkwardly delivered archetypes: jolly fat people, mawkish children, a scheming villain who lacks the conviction even to deliver a proper sneer.

The film is notable as the first to give Santa a wife - a reason, alongside duty, for him to want to get back to Earth - and because it features an appearance by a young Pia Zadora as one of the Martian children. Beyond this, its status as one of the strangest films ever made about Father Christmas has given it a degree of cult status. Without that, it wouldn't have a snowball's chance of still being watched today.